when the tide comes in

Standing just in front of the precipice
Looking down, getting dizzy
Looking up, losing hope
One more step and all pain is over
Or maybe it'll all just start

Love, it's not about you
Don't look at me with those big, beautiful eyes
Don't talk to me with those soft, sweet words
You're just making it worse

Standing face down to the grass
Listening it grow, lost in thoughts
There is a beehive in my head
A heavy stone in my heart

Beauty have lost its sparkle
And success is nothing but a word now
Just a concept, floating around
Well, both are capricious mistresses anyway
Never ever to be trusted

Balancing on a sharp edge
Will I fly or will I fall?
There are hard decisions to be made
There will be prices to be paid
For now, I just close my eyes and walk...

losing track

ein schöner Tag zum Sterben

Don't ask me about the weather
Don't talk about those little things
As if there is nothing unusual

-The ocean got crazy, whole cities are being destroyed
Aliens attacking, the sky is all covered
Earthquakes, erupting volcanoes, all at once
Don't you know how hard I struggle not to cry out?-

Don't ask me about the flowers
They died of drought, of loneliness
Everything dies, even hopes do
What do you expect, more cheerful lines?

-The storm comes and goes
The sea is always the same
But what about the shore?-

Don't keep me awake at night
I have nothing but dreams now
Don't whisper in my ear anymore
I'm tired of broken promises

-There is a face I always see
When I accidentally close my eyes
I am afraid even to blink now
Such beauty must be dangerous!-

Who is the cat, who is the mouse
Trapped in a cage of delusions
Waiting for a heart attack...

Hopeless

A red sunset over the city
A single red rose inside my chest
I cannot breathe, the thorns hurt me
I cannot breathe, the petals scatter
Missing you, I suffocate...

A starry night over the city
Shimmering eyes spying over me
Loneliness acquires substance
And wraps its forcing arms
              around my weakened body

Thick dark clouds over the city
No sun, no light, no hope
I ache for a single sincere smile
I hide myself in delusions of beauty
Your absence, love,
              is going to be the end of me

self esteem issues

I watched the stars, thinking of you
I kissed him, as if he were you
All the little flickering lights in the sky
Frowned upon me, suddenly,
and the beauty of the night was through...

Poisonous words he has, poisonous lips
A perfect picture of everything I despise
Is beauty alone capable of invoking such weakness
Or am I still just a fool,
                                          slave to ancient instincts?

What has to be done, has to be done!
I have to pick up the scattered pieces
of my broken pride, one by one,
Put them all together, swear an oath,
And finally seal it all with my blood.
Let this be the last promise I broke,
This story survived more than it is worth
Let this be the last verse about it I write...

Just for it to know

I hate the world today...

solitude is not for me

Your absence confuses me

I feel lost in a world I'm not used to

Every little problem wears a huge mask

I ran out of solutions, motivations and dreams

Even the city lost its sparkle

It's like there is nothing outside my window

I'm already bored with all kinds of entertainment

I invented, just to distract myself

Did stupid things, gave wrong impressions

Told lies, gave away secrets

And regretted them all afterwards

In the end nothing remained

I'm just numb now, daydreaming

When I'm not sleeping, which I do a lot

Everything I once longed for seem meaningless

Everything I once desired is just a handful of sand now

Even the beauty or kindness of strangers

Do nothing more than annoy me, slightly

This is sick, I know, just I can't help it anymore

This waiting around is going to kill me

Eating its way inside, transforming me to an empty cocoon

You won't find me the same as you left, I'm afraid...

fading affection

I don't know what to do
I'm not sure what to think about you
Maybe you are just a child
Immature, selfish, unkind
Terrified of getting hurt,
always on the guard...
Or maybe you just like to pretend
As if you are so amazed by yourself
But I can see all the nasty insecurity
Showing through your bitter irony.
Whatever, I'm at the end of my patience
No more soft words, no encouraging
It's no fun and you're spoilt anyway
Do something to win my heart back
Or get lost, I don't care anymore...

Strange Feelings

Jealousy creeps in like a snake
Bites here and there, spreading its poison
Not enough to kill me, yet it hurts like hell
I watch you laugh, I watch you talk
And pain strikes its roots inside me

Sweet and kind, as you always are
And as attractive as no other can ever be
They must be enchanted, I'm sure
Trying to get closer, like moths to a flame
I wish I could burn them all
By screaming that you are mine
You are mine, mine and mine only
But the ocean takes my voice away

Jealousy leaves a bitter taste in my mouth
Unshed tears cultivate new suspicions
Untold words shatter my reason
Loneliness make phantoms come alive
I'm not used to feel like this,
I can't pretend no more...
Just for you to know,
nothing is well around here anymore.

pretending to be blind

I never felt so foolish before
It was so obvious that we weren't
just what we meant to be, but something else
Something weird, nameless
I looked into your eyes
I spoke your name, again and again
And the whole world seem to be
coming apart
A private hell, so hard to be calmed.
Yet tomorrow is a brand new day
So now take a deep breath,
and blow my pain away...

paralyzed

A feeling of being lost haunts my days
I don't recognize the places I've been many times before
Faces I see everyday slip away from my memory
I find it hard to accomplish even the simplest of tasks
Like I don't remember how to do them anymore...
It's an amnesia of the weird sort
I alienate myself to everything,
just not to obsess about your absence
But it remains the only reality in the end...

a lesson learned

He was just like a sickness
Requiring bitter medicine to cure.
I took my pills of pain and anger,
Wrapped myself in thick blankets of

posed indifference,

And went on seeing him as normal,

for vaccination.

I must have been very weak in the first place

to catch him like a nasty cold.

And very stupid indeed,

to allow him to take control.

But he never saw me suffering,
not a single complaint did anyone hear.
So now I am cured,

and this is

a lesson learned...

summer blues (2)

It's midnight,
A violent summer outside

humid, hot...

We would lie in my single bed
Naked, just hand in hand
Complaining about the weather
Talking about taking another shower

happy inside...

I'll sleep on the couch tonight
If I can find any sleep at all
Or most probably,
I'll close my eyes and dream of you again
Trying not to think about
How impossible-to-reach you are...

It's midnight,
An eerie summer outside,

bluest melancholy inside...

note that

just to clear any possible misunderstandings

Sometimes, yes, all of a sudden
I find myself thinking about

your lips

How they were, how they tasted
But it's just the aftermath of a story
Which I tried very hard to forget
Everything happened long ago
Actually you are him and he is you
The same posed arrogance
The same exceptional beauty...
Anyway, well, it's just a thought
Not a desire anymore
Just wondering what if... and so on
For my own entertainment only
So, for an answer,

'no' is all you'll get...

people around me

someone is judging me based on what I write
someone thinks I am easy to manipulate
someone doesn't accept 'no' for an answer
someone broke my heart and doesn't know it
someone gives me the chance to revenge
someone tries to cheer me up, in vain
someone hopes I won't cause any trouble
someone thinks a bit too highly of himself
-but noone can do anything about the fact that-
someone went away...

questionable content

You were so beautiful last night
I just stood there, watching you
Admiring your face, admiring your naked body
Your long eyelashes shadowing your cheeks
Your lips, inspiring countless kisses
The wideness of your shoulders,
Or your perfect neck, calling out for my lips...
The smooth hair on your chest,
so inviting for my hand.
Oh, how narrow was your waist
Just above the carefully placed sheet
Revealing only so much
enough to make me burn inside
And your legs, long and strong...

I watched you and dreamt a thousand dreams
But didn't dare to wake you up
Just wanted to hold my breath
And make this moment last forever
So I wouldn't have to think
How terribly I'm going to miss you
next year...

of appearance and reality...

I feel like having lost a sweet dream
And a nice thought to play with
Just another arrogant bastard he proved to be
Just a bad patchwork of cliches
Hidden under a thin cape of
short-range intelligence and imperfect beauty.
Curiosity kills the cat,
Oh why and why on earth can't I just stop
Before spoiling pleasant memories?

Summer Blues

The sun is shining like crazy
 The heat is getting on my nerves
 Everything I touch feels sticky
 I need some fresh air to organize my feelings

 Guide me to the sea side, love
 Let me die in your arms of waves
 And be born again from an oyster shell
 Calm my anxiousness down, help me grow
 So I can survive the time when you will be far away...

Twisting the knife (2)

I decided to put an end to this
Forget about all that pain you caused
And all the confusion it brings
I finally realized that continuing that way
Wouldn't get me neither revenge nor relief
Because seeing you again was
twisting the knife...

It was all nice and sweet
When you were out-of-reach like a star
Like the wind that caressed my hair
But impossible to touch or hold
Like the view of the sun going down
Painfully beautiful but just to be watched
So trying to feel you was
twisting the knife...

A kiss was taking the knife away
Holding your hand made me forget
That the left wound was bleeding all over
And the next day I was already too exhausted
To be able to think or reason
So I asked the dagger back
But now that my mind is pretty clear
I realize that my heart is already healed
And talking to you again would be
twisting the knife...

One of those men you are,
"Stay Away" written all over your presence
With big bold letters
But your beauty blurred it all
Made me act irresponsible, stupid
The story ends here, no more words to write
Anyway, thinking what would happen if... is
twisting the knife...

Twisting the knife

There is a dagger in my chest
Taste of blood in my mouth
I cannot feel, I cannot fall asleep
I'm just a shadow of what I've been
And thinking about you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

I dream of you when alone
Imagining every detail of your face
I could get down on my knees
And beg just for a little kiss
If it wasn't for my pride
And looking at you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

This desire is so intense, it almost comes to life
Blurring my vision, turning me into a walking flame
You cease to be an ordinary man
Become the incarnation of beauty itself
And you are now more out-of-reach than before
And talking to you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

You were so right, about what you told me that night
It would be like water to the fire
Or maybe causing more damage than mere pain
But I think I'll still try again
Waiting for a more suitable time
Because even trying not to think is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were maybe not so right...

Words on words

You have to walk a lonesome desert
You have to walk it all alone
There is no one to walk it for you

My words, drunken butterflies in the wind
My castles made of snow, melting away
In a world seemingly too good to be true
Searching for trouble all the way through

My dreams, with huge wings and countless colors
- Up to the clouds, up to the sun -
Where I am going to, what is what I want?
Why am I still such a stupid child?

My words, always looking for a place to hide
I fear your fury, I fear your sadness
I fear like hell, losing you on the way
But this crazy mind of mine,
Always on the thin line....

My words, looking for a way

for a damn crack or a forgotten pass

here or there

My fears, my dreams, my sorrows, my passions
All in one, one in all
Like a million snowflakes, adding to the avalanche
Like a million seagulls, aimlessly - arrow-like

Let me stop right where you are
let me settle down, at least for a while...

Writing to forget

It's hard to describe this feeling
This indecision, this ever changing state of mind
One moment I feel so strong, so indifferent
That I could just do anything
A few hours pass then, and I change again
I feel hurt, my pride's on the ground
And all I can do is escaping to sleep

Why can't we speak more openly?
Why wouldn't you tell me what you think of me?
Just a pretty face from around,
Or a girl to fall in love with

if things were different,

Or, most probably, a mistake not to be spoken of?

I don't even know why I want to know
Since it probably won't change anything at all...

I wish

I wish I was a fallen leaf, entangled somewhere in your hair
I wish I was the ocean breeze, caressing you tender
I wish I could fall asleep in your arms every night
And see you still by my side with the morning light...

I wish I could get so drunk
that I sober up from the real life
And get loose from all the chains coming with it.
I wish there was you and me and no one else
Because I'm too tired, I can't fight anymore...

What next

about how easy it is,

to create an illusion and then
end up believing in it...

Stay still, for a moment
Let me watch you, 
                              through and through
You are like a reflection of the misty
                                                               evening sky
You are like a moment of silence,
                                                          in the morning rush
Looking at you is finding a long lost piece
                                                                         of the ancient puzzle
And also encountering a memory
and realizing that it doesn't hurt
                                                         anymore...
Let me feel you, with my fingertips
Like a blind one,
                            going through all your skin
Like sailing to the ocean,
                                          leaving the compass behind
Like shutting up my conscience,
                                                         screaming inside
Let me believe, for just a little while
That this is not the real world
And we won't be getting on
                                              with the daily routine

                                                                     for the rest of our lives...

Confusing Eyes

All the distant sunsets in your eyes
All the forgotten lands
And their heroes, dead and buried
In your eyes, the sound of the waves
from silent nights with a full moon
Something ancient, yet struggling to be remembered
Something not yet born, but long prophesied
It's like I have known you all my life
And all the previous ones I had (if any)
It's like I didn't even meet you yet
A stranger of infinite beauty
But still so close, that no man ever could be
Oh, those eyes, with so many things to tell/hide
Do I have to get that confused
Every time you look at me?

Alone in the dark

Feeling alone
Is like feeling the sun go down
without a glorious sunset, and just rainclouds around
Feeling alone
Is like watching a river drying out slow
Words commit suicide in my mouth
A wall of silence grows between me and the crowd
Between me and you...
Feeling alone
Finding no daisies to consult
A house to dark to stay inside
A weather too cold to go out
Redecorating my room a thousand times
Restyling my hair even more than that
Inventing stupid excuses to stay in bed
All in vain in the end
Feeling alone...

In the moonlight

Secretly I long for you,
Like longing for a lost toy
from a far away childhood.
Secretly I dream of you,
Like I dream of fairy princes
And sorcerers of all sort.
But then day becomes night
And inside comes the moonlight,
Destroying all things innocent,
All things sweet and kind.
And I feel the burning desire
Almost coming to flesh and blood.
Do I always have to make love
to your ghost instead of you every night?

Post-Mortem

How difficult it is, to explain oneself
and how much it hurts...
Imagination is a gift, so are words
putting them one after the other
creating entirely different worlds
Worlds where I am the protagonist
where only my feelings matter
Trying to draw borders to pain
trying to see hope, even if there is none
trying to put it all into a poem
and sealing it close for an eternity
Mocking life, feeling strong,
Cursing life, feeling weak
Like an ancient God with great power
the power of verse, that's what it is
And you are invited to witness
see the reflections of your own dreams
But why and why on earth
this longing for autopsy, this twisted lust for explanations?

a brief encounter

Little words, like little butterflies
like the morning breeze, soft and gentle
Little words, trying to reach you
trying to make you think of me
Little words, meaning nothing
so little that remain unnoticed
It was all just a little dream,
with little words I want to rebuild.

Little words, coming together
making lines, one after the other
Little words trying to say big things
trying in vain, managing nothing
So little, so easy to forget
so brave, but still afraid
It was all just a little runaway,
not reaching too far from your lips.

Little little words that I want to write
just once and not anymore
Little little poem, at the edge of nonsense
Life goes on as nothing has happened
your eyes still so blue...
I remember you as you hold the glass of wine
talking about the past
Maybe one day you'll tell that night to another
with the same little words as mine...

February 8, 2004

what the rain washes clean

What an annoying rain, gutless to turn to a storm,
but nasty enough to continue
I'm sitting here inside without the tiniest bit of
motivation to keep things going
I feel like trashing all, burn everything to ground
and start all over again
I feel like going to sleep and not waking up for an eternity
Too freaked out to face the true nature of my dreams
Too bold to just forget everything and go on as normal
Liquid fire in my veins, screaming flames under my skin
Tormented by the ghosts of the past,
ghosts of alternative futures...

Where are my evil seagulls, filling the horizon
with their never-ending calls?
Where are my messages in bottles,
sinking and rising beneath the ocean waves?
And what can I do about the temptation
caused by the alluring thickness of your lips?
What a set mind, oh almighty Lord of Passion,
is there no way to escape your wrath?
What a disturbing thought that we are
not brought any further by so long an evolution!

With a huge pointy hat on my head,
I am desperately looking for a perfect mixture,
Stirring the pot with such a force,
adding some carefully placed lies and teardrops
Spinning my web further and further,
losing track of the flies I forgot struggling around
Becoming one of them in my own mess of a head in the end...
I'm pretty much fucked up, you can tell, longing for a change
Everything ends up boring me to death,
every promising wing turns into an iron bar
Reinforcing my prison, stealing my breath
I have to dig deeper, I have to go further, I have to persist
Till I can get even with my dreams,
and finally have some peace of mind
And only then the rain will be truly over, for once and for all...

January 7, 2006

Turbulent Waters

I am in deep trouble, oh yes, I am
I thought about it again and again
And there's no way out I'm afraid...

This feeling when I see the sun
Reflecting from the corner of your lips
This feeling when I hear the tune
Hidden in the depths of your smile
This feeling when I touch the wind
Bold enough to caress your hair

I am in deep trouble, oh yes, I am
No chance to run away from it
And it'll get worse and worse I'm afraid...

December 29, 2005

Longing for Illusions

My confusion grows with time
I'm neither healed nor calmed down
Thunderbolts and hurricanes in my head
I don't know what I should do next

It must be something about your smile
Or the perfect shape of your lips, perhaps
And the distances and loneliness
It all adds up, you know

I'm feeling miserable, yet kind of excited
Holding on a dream like there's no tomorrow
Always in a hurry, yet doing almost nothing
Mostly trying to escape from my own thoughts

You know I can stand still for hours thinking
About every single vein visible under your skin
I can go on trying to make you laugh, for ages
I'm even capable of writing infinite lines
Always insufficient to describe the beauty of yours

But what makes me so frustrated, my dearest
That not even one of the countless things I'm capable
Are any good against your "out-of-reach"ness...

December 10, 2005

infidelity of feline kind

Today, I felt like writing a little poem

For you-know-who
So I sat down and took a deep breath
And waited for that feeling to pass
Then I quoted from Neil instead
And saved a lot of trouble by doing so...

November 18, 2005

"There are only two worlds-your world, which is the real world, and other worlds, the fantasy. Worlds like this are worlds of the human imagination: their reality, or lack of reality, is not important. What is important is that they are there. These worlds provide an alternative. Provide an escape. Provide a threat. Provide a dream, and power; provide refuge, and pain. They give your world meaning. They do not exist; and thus they are all that matters. Do you understand?"

Titania, the Queen of Faerie

obsessed and confused

- Obsessed with beauty and confused by its side effects -

What does a poem mean?
but some hidden wishes and confessions
It's a message in a bottle, thrown to the ocean
It's a letter in the sand, afraid of the smallest wind
It's nonsense, illogical, worthless...
nevertheless...only sometimes...it works

Looking at you, so close, still very far
seeing patterns formed by the veins of your arms
dreaming impossible dreams
as I used to do, many changes ago
Your face carries me to the past
to a half-forgotten silhouette
dishonored by today’s reflections...

Was I comparing your beauty to a drop of tear's?
Did I mention that you were as attractive as a shiny blade

on the newly smitten knife?

- Don't get me wrong, it's neither out of love nor affection

Not even attempting a request, no, I wouldn't dare to
I'm just pointing to a well-known fact so far
Let this be it and go on with our lives, my dear
And accept my humble apologies for intruding your intimacy
Making you wonder what this is all about
I suspect I did (or will) even cause some disappointments
Twisting your so well-proved formulae about life, universe and everything -

Was I talking about your grace there and everywhere?
Did I already make up some tailored stories to underline your sparkle?
I'm afraid I was.I'm afraid I did.

- The End -

October 30, 2005

Murderous intentions

How beautiful can a nose be?
Standing alone, without those lovely lips underneath
I've got nothing against eyes, though
Dreamy as can be...
What a perfect harmony, the face of yours, I mean...
Attached to a mirror, I bet you spend your time,
When you don't torture the world with its "out of reach"ness
Nailed to a pictureframe, that's where you ought to be
And not walking around, like normal people
Funny thoughts invade my head then
Thoughts very out of place
Disturbing my everyday existence, in a rather violent way
And I'm sure as hell that I'm not the only one, either
We should sort it out, my dear, for once and forever...

October 24, 2005

Break the glass in case of emergency

I see you, silent and distant
Like the sight of a sea in the mist
Your big, beautiful eyes, half closed
As they always are, when you're asleep
Your hands like falling leaves in the autumn wind
covered by the scars
where life tries to manifest itself in some way
or what you really feel about it
Is it really you I'm missing so badly
or am I just longing for the past
when the blossoms were young and bright
Another lonely night
I am lying, awake, with strange tears on my pillow
with strange thoughts on my mind
Feelings of regret surround me
Feeling incredibly stupid, incredibly weak
I don't give a damn what they might think
I don't care if no one understands
But I know one thing, my love,
which is that I need you, desperately,
even for being able to breathe...

"Is this an emergency, my dear, or what do you think?"

October 03, 2005

The Wishing Well

Look for me deep inside the wishing well
Look for a coin, bright as hell
Look for my dead body
Look for me, at last, free

The well is deep, ancient, dark
The well is all that I've got
Counting worthless coins
And all the scars they caused

Throw your coin, speak your wish
Staying, blind to my pain
Beside the wishing well
But I won't find any peace at all
Unless someone wishes ME well

September 27, 2005

prayer before sleep

he said I was evil
"yes" I said, "and you are lucky"
but that was some time ago
I warned him, you know
trying to explain the rules
that's the nature of the game
it's a wicked one, but who cares
seeking pleasure like in babylon
playing with poisonous snakes
who can blame me, if he gets bitten

he was happy that I was evil
but such things are easy to change
you never know with men
better always on the guard than a broken heart
sometimes I feel manipulated
blessed with a playful joker instead of soul
infested with too many ancient instincts
too many ancient gods
trying to be heard, using my voice

still asking for a meaning, aren't you?
there is none but one
and you won't be happy to find it
"reproduce!" said the voice and left us all alone
or was I daydreaming again
isn't that such a rare jewel
the eyes you're used to carry around?
i mean nothing, these are just words
coming to me, when I'm alone at dark
that's why I don't like
you to be far away at night...

(mistress of broken toys)

September 09, 2005

life is unfair

Leaving messages in bottles into the ocean,
As we use to do when we were children
Hoping someone sees them, just in case
Hoping he’ll think of me a bit more than “just occasionally”.
Never knowing what is what I want,
And getting bored to death…
Life is unfair, my dear.

No words, nothing to say anymore
No conversation, just yawning
Watching your glass always half full
“Finish it or I’ll die” I’m going to scream
Or just snatch it and break it into a million pieces
Holding too much on twisted nerves…
Life is nothing but what we make of it, my dear.

August 16, 2005