On words

Words don't come easy to me.

But numbers and formulas, all so familiar

Codes and symbols, each full of meaning, not a single byte too much

or too little

That's another story.

A precise haven in a world where we worship the superfluous

And surrounded by the chaos of the redundant.

I find myself wondering if, among all this mess,

is there really need for yet another poem, yet another blabbering

Meant solely as an outlet, without conveying anything vital?

Then again, words come easy to me

Getting lost in the rhythm of the repeated sound, formed in the mind, shaped by the fingers,

and given life by a set of eyes, and sometimes empowered with the flick of the tongue and lips.

But still completely independent of everything involved that is biological,

Standing alone, flaunting it's metaphorical existence,

A mirror to whoever it encounters, and that after serving as a relief to its creator.

And yet, words don't come easy to me

With each sentence completed, it's another step away from provable facts

And explanations become in order, self evidency runs away crying

The elegance and completeness of a single formula melts away

And words, in scores, scurry to fill the harrowing gap, haphazardly.

And yet there are words for the things we haven't yet devised a mathematical expression for

Like the emptiness in ones heart, when reminded of past mistakes,

Or the joy the same overflows with, upon discovering the possibility

of describing another stubborn concept

using only symbols and math...

Making things right myself will be the only remedy

I am trying to write about something which hurts me the most

It's a constant feeling at the back of my head

That I can never logically talk about

The emotions run wild, objectivity gets lost

And I don't know how to move on...

It's not easier now that I'm far away

I wish I could choose to never ever see you again

My heart is broken beyond repair

And I'm tired of running in circles

and coming to the same subject one more time...

I know you loved me, but not as much as yourselves

I know I'm being unfair by blaming you

For all the mistakes I have made

In the end things did turn out OK, didn't they?

But damn, I worked so hard for that!

And I didn't get any happy memories out of it...

There is this scar underneath my skin,

Part of me is begging for attention, for love

And the other part suspects it won't last

Selfishness comes in many many disguises

I only hope that I can keep it out of MY house

Yes, I'm still bitter, and I don't forgive you still,

Yes, I can't help hoping for an apology

Or just that you understand my reasoning

But deep inside I also know that all is in vain

Neither you will change, nor I will explain

Let's just hope that I will have my closure

When I have children of my own...

Hell is other people

I can't find the right song to echo the one in my head

I can't say the right words to make you understand

Maybe all I want is for people to go away

There's nobody here like me, I just don't belong with them

Old fears, old habits, trying to creep back in

Getting older is feeling lonely again

All your best intentions do me no good

Trapped in my own world I just can't get out

I had my books filled with stories of success

tales of heroes, tales of courage and how one should take charge

Now all they say is that life is unfair

"Nothing is your fault, it's just the way things are"

That's a load of bullcrap, that's what I believe

There is nothing else about life than what you've made out of it.

Stop judging me, no I'm not a genius

I'm not retarded either, or antisocial

Nobody is 'normal' and I am certainly not

I just won't laugh at your jokes and you won't get mine.

Lost Things

Lost things

An old crush, the joy you have felt

when you saw him smile at you

A stuffed dog, missing one eye

A half filled diary

where you only wrote

when you were sad

And a half eaten cookie

you know you've just left there...

Lost things

The second button of your coat

where did it go, you clearly remember pocketing it

The simplicity of everyday life

when you were five years old

The last tear you've shed for the one who left

The first kiss you've shared with the one who never will...

Lost things

Those five pounds you've worked so hard to get rid of

Those hundred bucks you've worked so hard to make

The lucky charm you used to carry in your wallet

The box marked "handle with care" you've accidentally forgot

while moving, in your old apartment

Your favorite shirt, all torn and stained

one day your mom must've had enough

And the occasional umbrella,

she insisted you should carry around...

Lost things

The words you wrote down, thinking they were clever

The thoughts that you didn't, since they were not.

Nights filled passion, nights filled with pain,

Nights that you were certain, were actually days

Days that were sunny, happy and bright

And days that made you wish you haven't woken up

Trips to the market, trips to the park

Trips to overseas, trips that lasted a little too long

And a small handbag you didn't realize that was left behind,

after a hurried train ride...

Lost things they all are, never again to be found

Lost things that contributed to how your life is now

You will still lose a great many things along the way

Just make sure you keep the ones dearest to you in a safe place...

A dream that I had last night

I was writing a poem in my dream.

It was about someone

who no longer has any importance for me.

But in my dream he mattered.

I was thinking how we walked to the sea,

considering holding hands for a moment

but deciding it wouldn't be appropriate.

I was avoiding to mention him explicitly,

instead I was looking for metaphors

best to describe that afternoon in the city,

during the hot, humid summer of 99

when I found myself in love and heartbroken.

As dreams go, I was at home, thinking, writing,

but at the same time I was on that seaside, too.

Walking next to him, in silence,

smelling the salt from the harbor,

trying to ignore the cries of the seagulls.

And also, I was watching myself write,

commenting on how easy the words flow

if one is writing about something so clear

so important, so real,

without even suspecting

that all this was nothing but a trick of my mind.

The moment I realized it was a dream,

(the moment I found myself awake)

I grabbed something to write on.

But the poem, which I knew was one of my best,

maybe even the best one of all,

was already lost, hurrying to that hidden place

where fragments of past dreams

not meant to be remembered go.

I wanted to recreate it, reshape those words.

I desperately reached for those memories

I knew they were once strong enough

to provoke many of my sincerest poems.

Then disappointed I realized

how faint they were now.

Not forgotten but just kept there

like a place holder, marking the lack of all the things

I would experience in the years to come.

Well, even with the poem lost and the inspiration gone,

It was still a dream worth writing about.

Shallow

I cut my hair today

Closed the scissors on one brown lock

And watched it fall down,

A moment ago, among the crowds

But now, suddenly, alone

One by one, others followed

Silent, resigned, without hurry

I looked down on the growing little heap on the ground

Metaphors escaped me

It did look like a heap of cut hair, nothing more

And the remaining ones, still attached to their roots

Curled up just a little bit more.

I cut my hair today

Because it felt like the right thing to do

Then cleaned the floor

Pushing the once cheerful now dead mess with a broom

If you had even a bit of imagination

You would think it now looked like a mouse

A dead mouse, of course, in the trash can

In my bathroom, in my house

And I almost felt sorry for it

Well, you already know, I cut my hair today

And wrote a poem about it

Not because there is nothing more worthy to write a poem about

but because of all the things that are in my mind right now

this was the most shallow

and I wouldn't be able to handle anything deeper than that.

I'm in love

It didn't happen all of a sudden

I actually had more than enough time to see it coming

But it's like looking at the approaching avalanche

And not being able to move, escape

I'm so overwhelmed by the strength of it

Tears fill my eyes, and I can't help it

I feel dizzy, every breath I take hurts

I find myself thinking of him again and again

When he is not here, nothing makes sense

I didn't know I was capable of such emotions

My bed gets bigger and bigger every night

I started to fill the other half with toys

And it becomes harder and harder to fall asleep

The world looks different, I can't explain

I'm supposed to be happier, but I'm just confused

I'm terrified that something can happen to him

Irrational thoughts poison my mind

I'm finally, undoubtedly in love

And it turns out, I don't know how to deal with it.

time

minutes pass by

the coffee gets cold

snow melts away

hours pass by

the heart gets cold

anger melts away

years pass by

the city gets cold

life melts away...

Lost

I have this feeling of loss

It creeps in from the corners of my house

It follows me from a distance, 

Hiding, in the shadows

I kick the leaves around, searching for it

I look in between the autumn clouds

I stare at my screen, for hours and hours

I don't know what I have lost

I don't even want to find it, it's just the feeling

As if telling me that not everything is alright

And I'm scared that this might be true

mind games

You really shouldn't talk to me like that
You ought to know better, being older and such
You're giving me a challenge
and I'll sure as hell act on that...

Innocent eyes you have, innocent smile
So friendly, humorous and nice
I wonder what you think about though
When you are alone at night

So far you seem to me like a boy
who never wants to grow up
But the world has different expectations
How do you cope with that?

Normally in this situation
I would say the things you'd like to hear
That nothing is your fault
and the world is unfair
But it's not as much fun like that
and you are not that beautiful
Let's see if brutal honesty this time
will get me any further...

Coming Back

Coming back is having my heart ache again
Feeling the world close up around me
Feeling weak, stupid, unable
There are things I can't get over
And things I just can't ignore
I'm an outcast, a dreamer
It's more obvious than ever that
No one understands me here
No one wants to give it a try
It's all their ideas about how I should feel
And their feelings of how things should be
And me, as anxious to leave as ever...

I am what I am, why can't you accept it?
Is that so hard after so many years?
Is it so hard to listen and pretend
At least for a couple of days?

You are what you are, why can't I accept it?
Is that so hard after a whole year?
Is it so hard to listen and pretend
At least for a couple of days?

Well, maybe, we are just not compatible...

you have no power over me

I can't stop thinking
About that fairy tale that wasn't
My imagination changes it
The story continues in my dreams
I find myself lost in it

My body aches for his touch
For his lips, mine beg
I find myself as a little girl again
Wishing, and secretly hoping
Against everything I stand
That stories could become real

I know I'm not any different
From all the social misfits before me
Not satisfied with just the reality
I'm not looking for perfection
But something so faulty
That comes out perfect from the other direction

I wish he would stop torturing me in my dreams
And come to torture me for real...

timeless

The time is passing
First I watch the minutes go by
One by one, very slowly, in the beginning
Then they turn to hours
Hours become days, as they usually do
Faster and faster, like a river in the spring
getting loose from it's icy prison

I watch the time pass by
As I sit in a corner of my mind
Untouched
Now and then, past wounds ache
Past laughters tinkle, occasionally
Especially on nights like this
When now is just a dim shadow
Dragging it's heavy load of 'to-do's
Like a ghost drags it's chains behind

I start remembering
My mind, like the ocean waves,
Carries pieces from the sunken ships of the past
to the shores of my memory
I start remembering fragments of dialogs
Bits of old wishes and hopes
Images of faces and places
Which were buried beneath the algae piles
of my everyday concerns
I sit on the sands like a curious child
Pick them one by one, as if they were seashells
And listen to what they have to say
Some just whine and then fade
In the bright sun of today
Some cast longer shadows
Making me question my choices
But all of them belong to the shore I know
The sandy edge between dreams and reality
Even though I like to take a walk there
every once in a while
Deep inside I know
I don't really care about them anymore.

winter blues

How can one say 'I miss you' properly?
How does one manage to make it still sound real
Even though it has been repeated so many times
How can I express this feeling of absence
This longing, that hits me from time to time
Making me forget everything around
And think about a certain train ride
Which seemed infinite at first
And became one of the shortest ever, later...

Life changes in a funny way
Where we were then, where we are now
How can one manage to have
a piece of my heart forever
Even if I only saw him three times

It's another cold winter
My mind wanders to a cemetery in a strange city
Then to a plate of gnocchi and a glass of wine
I walk faster to get home...

beauty

There is thing about beauty
It makes me paralyzed
It makes me stupid
It makes me forget everything I should remember
And remember everything I should forget