The importance of self care

He told me he realized he was going to die
I was nursing my gin and tonic
Not feeling cool the least
With all the pretty people having fun around
With all the depressing thoughts in my head
It wasn't a good night
And I was going to die as well.

He told me I was free to do whatever I wanted to do
It should have been freeing but it was not
When what was getting me down was not knowing
What is it that I want.

The beads sewn into my dress were falling apart

as I was pretending to dance
And my borrowed, fashionable high heels were killing me
I switched to sneakers, one last ditch attempt at coolness

It didn't work, I still looked like a sad blob of fat wrapped in embroidered tulle

                                                                                                in sneakers no less

And I only wanted to not to be there

Even if it meant 

                not to be

                          anywhere...