mind games

You really shouldn't talk to me like that
You ought to know better, being older and such
You're giving me a challenge
and I'll sure as hell act on that...

Innocent eyes you have, innocent smile
So friendly, humorous and nice
I wonder what you think about though
When you are alone at night

So far you seem to me like a boy
who never wants to grow up
But the world has different expectations
How do you cope with that?

Normally in this situation
I would say the things you'd like to hear
That nothing is your fault
and the world is unfair
But it's not as much fun like that
and you are not that beautiful
Let's see if brutal honesty this time
will get me any further...

Coming Back

Coming back is having my heart ache again
Feeling the world close up around me
Feeling weak, stupid, unable
There are things I can't get over
And things I just can't ignore
I'm an outcast, a dreamer
It's more obvious than ever that
No one understands me here
No one wants to give it a try
It's all their ideas about how I should feel
And their feelings of how things should be
And me, as anxious to leave as ever...

I am what I am, why can't you accept it?
Is that so hard after so many years?
Is it so hard to listen and pretend
At least for a couple of days?

You are what you are, why can't I accept it?
Is that so hard after a whole year?
Is it so hard to listen and pretend
At least for a couple of days?

Well, maybe, we are just not compatible...

you have no power over me

I can't stop thinking
About that fairy tale that wasn't
My imagination changes it
The story continues in my dreams
I find myself lost in it

My body aches for his touch
For his lips, mine beg
I find myself as a little girl again
Wishing, and secretly hoping
Against everything I stand
That stories could become real

I know I'm not any different
From all the social misfits before me
Not satisfied with just the reality
I'm not looking for perfection
But something so faulty
That comes out perfect from the other direction

I wish he would stop torturing me in my dreams
And come to torture me for real...

timeless

The time is passing
First I watch the minutes go by
One by one, very slowly, in the beginning
Then they turn to hours
Hours become days, as they usually do
Faster and faster, like a river in the spring
getting loose from it's icy prison

I watch the time pass by
As I sit in a corner of my mind
Untouched
Now and then, past wounds ache
Past laughters tinkle, occasionally
Especially on nights like this
When now is just a dim shadow
Dragging it's heavy load of 'to-do's
Like a ghost drags it's chains behind

I start remembering
My mind, like the ocean waves,
Carries pieces from the sunken ships of the past
to the shores of my memory
I start remembering fragments of dialogs
Bits of old wishes and hopes
Images of faces and places
Which were buried beneath the algae piles
of my everyday concerns
I sit on the sands like a curious child
Pick them one by one, as if they were seashells
And listen to what they have to say
Some just whine and then fade
In the bright sun of today
Some cast longer shadows
Making me question my choices
But all of them belong to the shore I know
The sandy edge between dreams and reality
Even though I like to take a walk there
every once in a while
Deep inside I know
I don't really care about them anymore.

winter blues

How can one say 'I miss you' properly?
How does one manage to make it still sound real
Even though it has been repeated so many times
How can I express this feeling of absence
This longing, that hits me from time to time
Making me forget everything around
And think about a certain train ride
Which seemed infinite at first
And became one of the shortest ever, later...

Life changes in a funny way
Where we were then, where we are now
How can one manage to have
a piece of my heart forever
Even if I only saw him three times

It's another cold winter
My mind wanders to a cemetery in a strange city
Then to a plate of gnocchi and a glass of wine
I walk faster to get home...

beauty

There is thing about beauty
It makes me paralyzed
It makes me stupid
It makes me forget everything I should remember
And remember everything I should forget

Seasonal Reflexions

Looking outside my window, lost in thought.
It's the end of autumn, there are dead leaves everywhere
Some of them are piled up, neatly
Hiding the decaying ones underneath
Some of them whirl around,
Blown forth and back by the wind
It's so much like looking into my own head...

I remember his eyes, melancholic and brown
His hands, as cold as the season
And a faint smell of moist soil, hiding behind the cigarettes'
It was like he kept a piece of autumn
In his pocket, all through the year...

It's not just him I want to remember
It's another time, another me
An era of my life I can't leave behind
A piece of me, that no one seemed to like

Longing for a home, feeling alone
Looking for an escape, from everything around
With freedom being nothing but a slogan
The faintest wind was enough to drag me along

I go out, pick one leaf up from the ground
It's bright red, beautiful
It's not like the sad, pale ones in my memory
It's like how I fell now, about my life and me

There is a time for everything, I know
And it is the time for letting it go for me...

Home

I wonder why I am so happy now
I don't feel like a stranger at all
So far away from home
Seems like I am finally at home

revelations

This is a very stange feeling that I have
When I'm walking in the street
Or waiting for a bus, or climbing the stairs
Even at home, especially while looking into the mirror
I can almost hear the popping sound
Of a wish coming true
I am beautiful...

last minute confessions

You are so stuck in my mind
I keep dreaming of a possible reunion
How things could be different
Then again, probably not...

Why did I throw away
All those things I wrote
Why did I hide my face
Or was I unable to speak
Ever time you were nearby?

Insecurity and fear
Blur my vision sometimes
They mess with my reason
Just the same way as desire...

calling for trouble

Beautiful child with magical smile
You make me feel old
You make me feel foolish
You make me feel odd...
I can't stay away, yet I must!

I wish I could reach you
But my words are so weak
Because, actually I'm a selfish, dishonest thing
Because I don't really care what you think
I only improvise to keep you by my side
And so I keep talking and talking...

Beautiful child with baby smile
You'll grow up one day, and care less
I know, he was just like you once
You are so shy know, so unsure about yourself
If I was just a tiny bit more evil
I would... no nothing at all
But please, I beg you, don't look at me like that
You are wearing off the only sanity I have left...

Deja-vu

It's a lovely day
I feel more beautiful than ever
Fortune seems to smile upon me...
I think big big trouble is on the way!

Unfinished

What if I see you again?
With autumn leaves in your eyes
What if you speak to me
Harsh winds haunting your voice
What did you do with your life
To whom did you open your heart
Did you grow up, did you learn to forgive
Did you forget what you used to call me?
Did you think about me, once,
When you were alone at night?
Did it crossed your mind to reach out for me,
Even if you know that this is not an option anymore?
If not, my beautiful friend, let's just do the small talk
Let's talk about the weather, and about our daily lives
Best wishes to your girlfriend, I hope she is OK,
And yeah, he is fine, too, thanks for asking,
Oh, isn't it late, don't let me keep you,
And please, let me go my way...

Not for the fainthearted

I wish I could find the best words to depict your beauty,
Or form the sentences that would exactly translate
How I feel, when you are just in front of me.
The pleasure of watching your lips move as you talk
Imagining how they would taste, holding my breath...
Being then totally distracted by the veins,
Slightly visible beneath the smooth skin of your neck
Following them under your shirt, in my mind,
Along the most perfect collar bone
And down, on the roundness of your shoulders...
While my imaginary fingertips slowly discover
All the details of your skin, of your statuesque body,
My imaginary lips and tongue are busy
assigning the matching flavors, simultaneously.
Then you suddenly stop speaking and ask me
What I am thinking about, "am I boring you?"
you say, with some annoyance in your voice.
I could try to tell you the truth, probably.
I just don't think you would take it so well, after all...

Drunk Talk

It's spring here in the city
And we are having fun!

Pass me the bottle, dear friend
And what was that joke again?
Oh yes, me too, I am afraid
But what's the point, you know
The future is at least months ahead

Yes I miss him, yes I miss him, too
Yes, I am angry and frustrated
With my pitiful self, still
But the night is young, so is the season
So are we, and maybe not for long

Don't you think that I dream of his eyes?
Eyes are the door to the soul, someone said
Oh, please, there is no such thing as soul
Beautiful eyes though, a beautiful blue

Then again there is the story with the lips
There are so many stories with them
All having an annoying question mark
Hanging around, 'what if...'
One day I'll carve each one of them
From all the pictures I still keep
And look if they match, they probably will...
All except one, of course
But yeah, love is sacred, I know that
Just tell me then, what about the lips?

Sorry, I got distracted again
Yes, the passing girl was lovely, indeed
How about if we open the next bottle?
Shouldn't we move closer to the music yet?
Let the past sleep in its cave
Let the future stay where it is
Over the mountains, over the ocean, whatever
Let's have a little fun, while we still can