paralyzed

A feeling of being lost haunts my days
I don't recognize the places I've been many times before
Faces I see everyday slip away from my memory
I find it hard to accomplish even the simplest of tasks
Like I don't remember how to do them anymore...
It's an amnesia of the weird sort
I alienate myself to everything,
just not to obsess about your absence
But it remains the only reality in the end...

a lesson learned

He was just like a sickness
Requiring bitter medicine to cure.
I took my pills of pain and anger,
Wrapped myself in thick blankets of

posed indifference,

And went on seeing him as normal,

for vaccination.

I must have been very weak in the first place

to catch him like a nasty cold.

And very stupid indeed,

to allow him to take control.

But he never saw me suffering,
not a single complaint did anyone hear.
So now I am cured,

and this is

a lesson learned...

summer blues (2)

It's midnight,
A violent summer outside

humid, hot...

We would lie in my single bed
Naked, just hand in hand
Complaining about the weather
Talking about taking another shower

happy inside...

I'll sleep on the couch tonight
If I can find any sleep at all
Or most probably,
I'll close my eyes and dream of you again
Trying not to think about
How impossible-to-reach you are...

It's midnight,
An eerie summer outside,

bluest melancholy inside...

note that

just to clear any possible misunderstandings

Sometimes, yes, all of a sudden
I find myself thinking about

your lips

How they were, how they tasted
But it's just the aftermath of a story
Which I tried very hard to forget
Everything happened long ago
Actually you are him and he is you
The same posed arrogance
The same exceptional beauty...
Anyway, well, it's just a thought
Not a desire anymore
Just wondering what if... and so on
For my own entertainment only
So, for an answer,

'no' is all you'll get...

people around me

someone is judging me based on what I write
someone thinks I am easy to manipulate
someone doesn't accept 'no' for an answer
someone broke my heart and doesn't know it
someone gives me the chance to revenge
someone tries to cheer me up, in vain
someone hopes I won't cause any trouble
someone thinks a bit too highly of himself
-but noone can do anything about the fact that-
someone went away...

questionable content

You were so beautiful last night
I just stood there, watching you
Admiring your face, admiring your naked body
Your long eyelashes shadowing your cheeks
Your lips, inspiring countless kisses
The wideness of your shoulders,
Or your perfect neck, calling out for my lips...
The smooth hair on your chest,
so inviting for my hand.
Oh, how narrow was your waist
Just above the carefully placed sheet
Revealing only so much
enough to make me burn inside
And your legs, long and strong...

I watched you and dreamt a thousand dreams
But didn't dare to wake you up
Just wanted to hold my breath
And make this moment last forever
So I wouldn't have to think
How terribly I'm going to miss you
next year...

of appearance and reality...

I feel like having lost a sweet dream
And a nice thought to play with
Just another arrogant bastard he proved to be
Just a bad patchwork of cliches
Hidden under a thin cape of
short-range intelligence and imperfect beauty.
Curiosity kills the cat,
Oh why and why on earth can't I just stop
Before spoiling pleasant memories?

Summer Blues

The sun is shining like crazy
 The heat is getting on my nerves
 Everything I touch feels sticky
 I need some fresh air to organize my feelings

 Guide me to the sea side, love
 Let me die in your arms of waves
 And be born again from an oyster shell
 Calm my anxiousness down, help me grow
 So I can survive the time when you will be far away...

Twisting the knife (2)

I decided to put an end to this
Forget about all that pain you caused
And all the confusion it brings
I finally realized that continuing that way
Wouldn't get me neither revenge nor relief
Because seeing you again was
twisting the knife...

It was all nice and sweet
When you were out-of-reach like a star
Like the wind that caressed my hair
But impossible to touch or hold
Like the view of the sun going down
Painfully beautiful but just to be watched
So trying to feel you was
twisting the knife...

A kiss was taking the knife away
Holding your hand made me forget
That the left wound was bleeding all over
And the next day I was already too exhausted
To be able to think or reason
So I asked the dagger back
But now that my mind is pretty clear
I realize that my heart is already healed
And talking to you again would be
twisting the knife...

One of those men you are,
"Stay Away" written all over your presence
With big bold letters
But your beauty blurred it all
Made me act irresponsible, stupid
The story ends here, no more words to write
Anyway, thinking what would happen if... is
twisting the knife...

Twisting the knife

There is a dagger in my chest
Taste of blood in my mouth
I cannot feel, I cannot fall asleep
I'm just a shadow of what I've been
And thinking about you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

I dream of you when alone
Imagining every detail of your face
I could get down on my knees
And beg just for a little kiss
If it wasn't for my pride
And looking at you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

This desire is so intense, it almost comes to life
Blurring my vision, turning me into a walking flame
You cease to be an ordinary man
Become the incarnation of beauty itself
And you are now more out-of-reach than before
And talking to you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

You were so right, about what you told me that night
It would be like water to the fire
Or maybe causing more damage than mere pain
But I think I'll still try again
Waiting for a more suitable time
Because even trying not to think is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were maybe not so right...

Words on words

You have to walk a lonesome desert
You have to walk it all alone
There is no one to walk it for you

My words, drunken butterflies in the wind
My castles made of snow, melting away
In a world seemingly too good to be true
Searching for trouble all the way through

My dreams, with huge wings and countless colors
- Up to the clouds, up to the sun -
Where I am going to, what is what I want?
Why am I still such a stupid child?

My words, always looking for a place to hide
I fear your fury, I fear your sadness
I fear like hell, losing you on the way
But this crazy mind of mine,
Always on the thin line....

My words, looking for a way

for a damn crack or a forgotten pass

here or there

My fears, my dreams, my sorrows, my passions
All in one, one in all
Like a million snowflakes, adding to the avalanche
Like a million seagulls, aimlessly - arrow-like

Let me stop right where you are
let me settle down, at least for a while...

Writing to forget

It's hard to describe this feeling
This indecision, this ever changing state of mind
One moment I feel so strong, so indifferent
That I could just do anything
A few hours pass then, and I change again
I feel hurt, my pride's on the ground
And all I can do is escaping to sleep

Why can't we speak more openly?
Why wouldn't you tell me what you think of me?
Just a pretty face from around,
Or a girl to fall in love with

if things were different,

Or, most probably, a mistake not to be spoken of?

I don't even know why I want to know
Since it probably won't change anything at all...

I wish

I wish I was a fallen leaf, entangled somewhere in your hair
I wish I was the ocean breeze, caressing you tender
I wish I could fall asleep in your arms every night
And see you still by my side with the morning light...

I wish I could get so drunk
that I sober up from the real life
And get loose from all the chains coming with it.
I wish there was you and me and no one else
Because I'm too tired, I can't fight anymore...

What next

about how easy it is,

to create an illusion and then
end up believing in it...

Stay still, for a moment
Let me watch you, 
                              through and through
You are like a reflection of the misty
                                                               evening sky
You are like a moment of silence,
                                                          in the morning rush
Looking at you is finding a long lost piece
                                                                         of the ancient puzzle
And also encountering a memory
and realizing that it doesn't hurt
                                                         anymore...
Let me feel you, with my fingertips
Like a blind one,
                            going through all your skin
Like sailing to the ocean,
                                          leaving the compass behind
Like shutting up my conscience,
                                                         screaming inside
Let me believe, for just a little while
That this is not the real world
And we won't be getting on
                                              with the daily routine

                                                                     for the rest of our lives...

Confusing Eyes

All the distant sunsets in your eyes
All the forgotten lands
And their heroes, dead and buried
In your eyes, the sound of the waves
from silent nights with a full moon
Something ancient, yet struggling to be remembered
Something not yet born, but long prophesied
It's like I have known you all my life
And all the previous ones I had (if any)
It's like I didn't even meet you yet
A stranger of infinite beauty
But still so close, that no man ever could be
Oh, those eyes, with so many things to tell/hide
Do I have to get that confused
Every time you look at me?