Karhe's Neverwhere

On words

2012-01-30T16:10:00.003+02:00

Words don't come easy to me.

But numbers and formulas, all so familiar

Codes and symbols, each full of meaning, not a single byte too much

or too little

That's another story.

A precise haven in a world where we worship the superfluous

And surrounded by the chaos of the redundant.

I find myself wondering if, among all this mess,

is there really need for yet another poem, yet another blabbering

Meant solely as an outlet, without conveying anything vital?

Then again, words come easy to me

Getting lost in the rhythm of the repeated sound, formed in the mind, shaped by the fingers,

and given life by a set of eyes, and sometimes empowered with the flick of the tongue and lips.

But still completely independent of everything involved that is biological,

Standing alone, flaunting it's metaphorical existence,

A mirror to whoever it encounters, and that after serving as a relief to its creator.

And yet, words don't come easy to me

With each sentence completed, it's another step away from provable facts

And explanations become in order, self evidency runs away crying

The elegance and completeness of a single formula melts away

And words, in scores, scurry to fill the harrowing gap, haphazardly.

And yet there are words for the things we haven't yet devised a mathematical expression for

Like the emptiness in ones heart, when reminded of past mistakes,

Or the joy the same overflows with, upon discovering the possibility

of describing another stubborn concept

using only symbols and math...

Making things right myself will be the only remedy

2010-01-20T20:24:00.004+02:00

I am trying to write about something which hurts me the most

It's a constant feeling at the back of my head

That I can never logically talk about

The emotions run wild, objectivity gets lost

And I don't know how to move on...

It's not easier now that I'm far away

I wish I could choose to never ever see you again

My heart is broken beyond repair

And I'm tired of running in circles

and coming to the same subject one more time...

I know you loved me, but not as much as yourselves

I know I'm being unfair by blaming you

For all the mistakes I have made

In the end things did turn out OK, didn't they?

But damn, I worked so hard for that!

And I didn't get any happy memories out of it...

There is this scar underneath my skin,

Part of me is begging for attention, for love

And the other part suspects it won't last

Selfishness comes in many many disguises

I only hope that I can keep it out of MY house

Yes, I'm still bitter, and I don't forgive you still,

Yes, I can't help hoping for an apology

Or just that you understand my reasoning

But deep inside I also know that all is in vain

Neither you will change, nor I will explain

Let's just hope that I will have my closure

When I have children of my own...

Hell is other people

2009-12-15T23:08:00.004+02:00

I can't find the right song to echo the one in my head

I can't say the right words to make you understand

Maybe all I want is for people to go away

There's nobody here like me, I just don't belong with them

Old fears, old habits, trying to creep back in

Getting older is feeling lonely again

All your best intentions do me no good

Trapped in my own world I just can't get out

I had my books filled with stories of success

tales of heroes, tales of courage and how one should take charge

Now all they say is that life is unfair

"Nothing is your fault, it's just the way things are"

That's a load of bullcrap, that's what I believe

There is nothing else about life than what you've made out of it.

Stop judging me, no I'm not a genius

I'm not retarded either, or antisocial

Nobody is 'normal' and I am certainly not

I just won't laugh at your jokes and you won't get mine.

Lost Things

2009-12-15T22:43:00.004+02:00

Lost things

An old crush, the joy you have felt

when you saw him smile at you

A stuffed dog, missing one eye

A half filled diary

where you only wrote

when you were sad

And a half eaten cookie

you know you've just left there...

Lost things

The second button of your coat

where did it go, you clearly remember pocketing it

The simplicity of everyday life

when you were five years old

The last tear you've shed for the one who left

The first kiss you've shared with the one who never will...

Lost things

Those five pounds you've worked so hard to get rid of

Those hundred bucks you've worked so hard to make

The lucky charm you used to carry in your wallet

The box marked "handle with care" you've accidentally forgot

while moving, in your old apartment

Your favorite shirt, all torn and stained

one day your mom must've had enough

And the occasional umbrella,

she insisted you should carry around...

Lost things

The words you wrote down, thinking they were clever

The thoughts that you didn't, since they were not.

Nights filled passion, nights filled with pain,

Nights that you were certain, were actually days

Days that were sunny, happy and bright

And days that made you wish you haven't woken up

Trips to the market, trips to the park

Trips to overseas, trips that lasted a little too long

And a small handbag you didn't realize that was left behind,

after a hurried train ride...

Lost things they all are, never again to be found

Lost things that contributed to how your life is now

You will still lose a great many things along the way

Just make sure you keep the ones dearest to you in a safe place...

A dream that I had last night

2009-06-13T19:38:00.014+03:00

I was writing a poem in my dream.

It was about someone

who no longer has any importance for me.

But in my dream he mattered.

I was thinking how we walked to the sea,

considering holding hands for a moment

but deciding it wouldn't be appropiate.

I was avoiding to mention him explicitly,

instead I was looking for metaphores

best to describe that afternoon in the city,

during the hot, humid summer of 99

when I felt myself in love and heartbroken.

As dreams go, I was at home, thinking, writing,

but at the same time I was on that seaside, too.

Walking next to him, in silence,

smelling the salt from the harbour,

trying to ignore the cries of the seagulls.

And also, I was watching myself write,

commenting on how easy the words flow

if one is writing about something so clear

so important, so real,

without even suspecting

that all this was nothing but a trick of my mind.

The moment I realized it was a dream,

(the moment I found myself awake)

I grabbed something to write on.

But the poem, which I knew was one of my best,

maybe even the best one of all,

was already lost, hurrying to that hidden place

where fragments of past dreams

not meant to be remembered go.

I wanted to recreate it, reshape those words.

I desperetaly reached for those memories

I knew they were once strong enough

to provoke many of my sincerest poems.

Then disappointed I realized

how faint they were now.

Not forgotten but just kept there

like a place holder, marking the lack of all the things

I would experience in the years to come.

Well, even with the poem lost and the inspiration gone,

It was still a dream worth writing about.

Shallow

2009-05-01T01:31:00.005+03:00

I cut my hair today

Closed the scissors on one brown lock

And watched it fall down,

A moment ago, among the crowds

But now, suddenly, alone

One by one, others followed

Silent, resigned, without hurry

I looked down on the growing little heap on the ground

Metaphors escaped me

It did look like a heap of cut hair, nothing more

And the remaining ones, still attached to their roots

Curled up a just little bit more.

I cut my hair today

Because it felt like the right thing to do

Then cleaned the floor

Pushing the once cheerful now dead mess with a broom

If you had even a bit of imagination

You would think it now looked like a mouse

A dead mouse, of course, in the trash can

In my bathroom, in my house

And I almost felt sorry for it

Well, you already know, I cut my hair today

And wrote a poem about it

Not because there is nothing more worth to write a poem about

but because of all the things that are in my mind right now

this was the most shallow

and I wouldn't be able to handle anything deeper than that.

I'm in love

2009-03-28T00:23:00.003+02:00

It didn't happen all of a sudden

I actually had more than enough time to see it coming

But it's like looking at the approaching avalanche

And not being able to move, escape

I'm so overwhelmed by the strength of it

Tears fill my eyes, and I can't help it

I feel dizzy, every breath I take hurts

I find myself thinking of him again and again

When he is not here, nothing makes sense

I didn't know I was capable of such emotions

My bed gets bigger and bigger every night

I started to fill the other half with toys

And it becomes harder and harder to fall asleep

The world looks different, I can't explain

I'm supposed to be happier, but I'm just confused

I'm terrified that something can happen to him

Irrational thoughts poison my mind

I'm finally, undoubtedly in love

And it turns out, I don't know how to deal with it.

time

2009-01-13T21:01:00.003+02:00

minutes pass by

the coffee gets cold

snow melts away

hours pass by

the heart gets cold

anger melts away

years pass by

the city gets cold

life melts away...

Lost

2008-11-11T07:10:00.003+02:00

I have this feeling of loss

It creeps in from the corners of my house

It follows me from a distance,

Hiding, in the shadows

I kick the leaves around, searching for it

I look in between the autumn clouds

I stare at my screen, for hours and hours

I don't know what I have lost

I don't even want to find it, it's just the feeling

As if telling me that not everything is alright

And I'm scared that this might be true

mind games

2008-08-10T06:44:00.006+03:00

You really shouldn't talk to me like that
You ought to know better, being older and such
You're giving me a challenge
and I'll sure as hell act on that...

Innocent eyes you have, innocent smile
So friendly, humorous and nice
I wonder what you think about though
When you are alone at night

So far you seem to me like a boy
who never wants to grow up
But the world has different expectations
How do you cope with that?

Normally in this situation
I would say the things you'd like to hear
That nothing is your fault
and the world is unfair
But it's not as much fun like that
and you are not that beautiful
Let's see if brutal honesty this time
will get me any further...

Coming Back

2008-07-28T01:05:00.004+03:00

Coming back is having my heart ache again
Feeling the world close up around me
Feeling weak, stupid, unable
There are things I can't get over
And things I just can't ignore
I'm an outcast, a dreamer
It's more obvious than ever that
No one understands me here
No one wants to give it a try
It's all their ideas about how I should feel
And their feelings of how things should be
And me, as anxious to leave as ever...

I am what I am, why can't you accept it?
Is that so hard after so many years?
Is it so hard to listen and pretend
At least for a couple of days?

You are what you are, why can't I accept it?
Is that so hard after a whole year?
Is it so hard to listen and pretend
At least for a couple of days?

Well, maybe, we are just not compatible...

you have no power over me

2008-07-01T03:00:00.008+03:00

I can't stop thinking
About that fairy tale that wasn't
My imagination changes it
The story continues in my dreams
I find myself lost in it

My body aches for his touch
For his lips, mine beg
I find myself as a little girl again
Wishing, and secretly hoping
Against everything I stand
That stories could become real

I know I'm not any different
From all the social misfits before me
Not satisfied with just the reality
I'm not looking for perfection
But something so faulty
That comes out perfect from the other direction

I wish he would stop torturing me in my dreams
And come to torture me for real...

timeless

2008-03-27T02:38:00.003+02:00

The time is passing
First I watch the minutes go by
One by one, very slowly, in the beginning
Then they turn to hours
Hours become days, as they usually do
Faster and faster, like a river in the spring
getting loose from it's icy prison

I watch the time pass by
As I sit in a corner of my mind
Untouched
Now and then, past wounds ache
Past laughters tinkle, occasionally
Especially on nights like this
When now is just a dim shadow
Dragging it's heavy load of 'to-do's
Like a ghost drags it's chains behind

I start remembering
My mind, like the ocean waves,
Carries pieces from the sunken ships of the past
to the shores of my memory
I start remembering fragments of dialogs
Bits of old wishes and hopes
Images of faces and places
Which were buried beneath the algae piles
of my everyday concerns
I sit on the sands like a curious child
Pick them one by one, as if they were seashells
And listen to what they have to say
Some just whine and then fade
In the bright sun of today
Some cast longer shadows
Making me question my choices
But all of them belong to the shore I know
The sandy edge between dreams and reality
Even though I like to take a walk there
every once in a while
Deep inside I know
I don't really care about them anymore.

winter blues

2008-01-23T04:02:00.000+02:00

How can one say 'I miss you' properly?
How does one manage to make it still sound real
Even though it has been repeated so many times
How can I express this feeling of absence
This longing, that hits me from time to time
Making me forget everything around
And think about a certain train ride
Which seemed infinite at first
And became one of the shortest ever, later...

Life changes in a funny way
Where we were then, where we are now
How can one manage to have
a piece of my heart forever
Even if I only saw him three times

It's another cold winter
My mind wanders to a cemetery in a strange city
Then to a plate of gnocchi and a glass of wine
I walk faster to get home...

beauty

2007-12-13T04:47:00.001+02:00

There is thing about beauty
It makes me paralyzed
It makes me stupid
It makes me forget everything I should remember
And remember everything I should forget

Seasonal Reflexions

2007-11-19T07:22:00.000+02:00

Looking outside my window, lost in thought.
It's the end of autumn, there are dead leaves everywhere
Some of them are piled up, neatly
Hiding the decaying ones underneath
Some of them whirl around,
Blown forth and back by the wind
It's so much like looking into my own head...

I remember his eyes, melancholic and brown
His hands, as cold as the season
And a faint smell of moist soil, hiding behind the cigarettes'
It was like he kept a piece of autumn
In his pocket, all through the year...

It's not just him I want to remember
It's another time, another me
An era of my life I can't leave behind
A piece of me, that no one seemed to like

Longing for a home, feeling alone
Looking for an escape, from everything around
With freedom being nothing but a slogan
The faintest wind was enough to drag me along

I go out, pick one leaf up from the ground
It's bright red, beautiful
It's not like the sad, pale ones in my memory
It's like how I fell now, about my life and me

There is a time for everything, I know
And it is the time for letting it go for me...

Home

2007-10-18T05:20:00.000+03:00

I wonder why I am so happy now
I don't feel like a stranger at all
So far away from home
Seems like I am finally at home

revelations

2007-09-27T05:41:00.000+03:00

This is a very stange feeling that I have
When I'm walking in the street
Or waiting for a bus, or climbing the stairs
Even at home, especially while looking into the mirror
I can almost hear the popping sound
Of a wish coming true
I am beautiful...

last minute confessions

2007-07-24T09:17:00.000+03:00

You are so stuck in my mind
I keep dreaming of a possible reunion
How things could be different
Then again, probably not...

Why did I throw away
All those things I wrote
Why did I hide my face
Or was I unable to speak
Ever time you were nearby?

Insecurity and fear
Blur my vision sometimes
They mess with my reason
Just the same way as desire...

calling for trouble

2007-07-15T23:25:00.000+03:00

Beautiful child with magical smile
You make me feel old
You make me feel foolish
You make me feel odd...
I can't stay away, yet I must!

I wish I could reach you
But my words are so weak
Because, actually I'm a selfish, dishonest thing
Because I don't really care what you think
I only improvise to keep you by my side
And so I keep talking and talking...

Beautiful child with baby smile
You'll grow up one day, and care less
I know, he was just like you once
You are so shy know, so unsure about yourself
If I was just a tiny bit more evil
I would... no nothing at all
But please, I beg you, don't look at me like that
You are wearing off the only sanity I have left...

Deja-vu

2007-07-08T23:33:00.000+03:00

It's a lovely day
I feel more beautiful than ever
Fortune seems to smile upon me...
I think big big trouble is on the way!

Unfinished

2007-06-27T22:05:00.000+03:00

What if I see you again?
With autumn leaves in your eyes
What if you speak to me
Harsh winds haunting your voice
What did you do with your life
To whom did you open your heart
Did you grow up, did you learn to forgive
Did you forget what you used to call me?
Did you think about me, once,
When you were alone at night?
Did it crossed your mind to reach out for me,
Even if you know that this is not an option anymore?
If not, my beautiful friend, let's just do the small talk
Let's talk about the weather, and about our daily lives
Best wishes to your girlfriend, I hope she is OK,
And yeah, he is fine, too, thanks for asking,
Oh, isn't it late, don't let me keep you,
And please, let me go my way...

Not for the fainthearted

2007-05-20T21:48:00.000+03:00

I wish I could find the best words to depict your beauty,
Or form the sentences that would exactly translate
How I feel, when you are just in front of me.
The pleasure of watching your lips move as you talk
Imagining how they would taste, holding my breath...
Being then totally distracted by the veins,
Slightly visible beneath the smooth skin of your neck
Following them under your shirt, in my mind,
Along the most perfect collar bone
And down, on the roundness of your shoulders...
While my imaginary fingertips slowly discover
All the details of your skin, of your statuesque body,
My imaginary lips and tongue are busy
assigning the matching flavors, simultaneously.
Then you suddenly stop speaking and ask me
What I am thinking about, "am I boring you?"
you say, with some annoyance in your voice.
I could try to tell you the truth, probably.
I just don't think you would take it so well, after all...

Drunk Talk

2007-05-12T13:43:00.000+03:00

It's spring here in the city
And we are having fun!

Pass me the bottle, dear friend
And what was that joke again?
Oh yes, me too, I am afraid
But what's the point, you know
The future is at least months ahead

Yes I miss him, yes I miss him, too
Yes, I am angry and frustrated
With my pitiful self, still
But the night is young, so is the season
So are we, and maybe not for long

Don't you think that I dream of his eyes?
Eyes are the door to the soul, someone said
Oh, please, there is no such thing as soul
Beautiful eyes though, a beautiful blue

Then again there is the story with the lips
There are so many stories with them
All having an annoying question mark
Hanging around, 'what if...'
One day I'll carve each one of them
From all the pictures I still keep
And look if they match, they probably will...
All except one, of course
But yeah, love is sacred, I know that
Just tell me then, what about the lips?

Sorry, I got distracted again
Yes, the passing girl was lovely, indeed
How about if we open the next bottle?
Shouldn't we move closer to the music yet?
Let the past sleep in its cave
Let the future stay where it is
Over the mountains, over the ocean, whatever
Let's have a little fun, while we still can

mind games

2007-05-12T13:24:00.000+03:00

Looking for clues, aren't they?
Well, that's why I am doing it anyway
Leaving little secret messages around
Pretending they are important...

Silence

2007-05-04T23:04:00.000+03:00

I have nothing to say...
Except that... I miss you...
That I feel lost, hurt, broken...
Like someone, secretly
carved a hole in my chest
and filled it with pebbles afterwards
I struggle to breathe, yet I seem to fail
It's like suffocating in the open air...
No, wait, I haven't said any of that!
I'm fine, it's OK!
I live on anyway
Well, you know, I have nothing to say...

I am not at home

2007-02-18T20:20:00.000+02:00

Don't knock on my door these days
Don't come looking for me
I am not at home
Stuck inside my own head
Trying too hard to forget
Unstable, doubtful, upset
I am not at home

love your troubles

2007-02-13T20:18:00.000+02:00

Today I had a moment of enlightenment
While stepping out of the ferry, all of a sudden
Everything seemed so clear
'Sometimes, you just have to hit the road'
Whispered a voice in my ear
And I walked home, hoping that feeling to
disappear, before I get there...
Sometimes, a solution is not what you long for
It's carrying the problem around
And trying to find a way to live with it
That's what keeps us going
Because, in the end, it's your best friend,

your uttermost achievement

the problem you hitherto cultivate...

I am NOT what you think I am

2007-01-29T23:34:00.000+02:00

Come to me, wherever you are
Sit by my side, tell your story
I ran out of mine, some time ago
Your voice, soft and sweet
Like the one of October's
I have no words to comfort you
No hands to caress, no eyes to cry
No energy at all, to try to ease your pain
But time, I have plenty...

I will listen to you, like no one else ever did before
I will listen to the words, unspoken
Thoughts, unsaid, places and people, long forgotten
You'll find a deep well in my eyes,
Or a mirror, revealing more than just your reflection
But beware, my lord, as I never forget
So neither will you...

when the tide comes in

2006-12-07T20:21:00.000+02:00

Standing just in front of the precipice
Looking down, getting dizzy
Looking up, losing hope
One more step and all pain is over
Or maybe it'll all just start

Love, it's not about you
Don't look at me with those big, beautiful eyes
Don't talk to me with those soft, sweet words
You're just making it worse

Standing face down to the grass
Listening it grow, lost in thoughts
There is a beehive in my head
A heavy stone in my heart

Beauty have lost its sparkle
And success is nothing but a word now
Just a concept, floating around
Well, both are capricious mistresses anyway
Never ever to be trusted

Balancing on a sharp edge
Will I fly or will I fall?
There are hard decisions to be made
There will be prices to be paid
For now, I just close my eyes and walk...

losing track

2006-12-04T21:44:00.000+02:00

ein schöner Tag zum Sterben

Don't ask me about the weather
Don't talk about those little things
As if there is nothing unusual

-The ocean got crazy, whole cities are being destroyed
Aliens attacking, the sky is all covered
Earthquakes, erupting volcanoes, all at once
Don't you know how hard I struggle not to cry out?-

Don't ask me about the flowers
They died of drought, of loneliness
Everything dies, even hopes do
What do you expect, more cheerful lines?

-The storm comes and goes
The sea is always the same
But what about the shore?-

Don't keep me awake at night
I have nothing but dreams now
Don't whisper in my ear anymore
I'm tired of broken promises

-There is a face I always see
When I accidentally close my eyes
I am afraid even to blink now
Such beauty must be dangerous!-

Who is the cat, who is the mouse
Trapped in a cage of delusions
Waiting for a heart attack...

Hopeless

2006-11-19T23:20:00.000+02:00

A red sunset over the city
A single red rose inside my chest
I cannot breathe, the thorns hurt me
I cannot breathe, the petals scatter
Missing you, I suffocate...

A starry night over the city
Shimmering eyes spying over me
Loneliness acquires substance
And wraps its forcing arms
around my weakened body

Thick dark clouds over the city
No sun, no light, no hope
I ache for a single sincere smile
I hide myself in delusions of beauty
Your absence, love,
is going to be the end of me

self esteem issues

2006-11-19T21:20:00.000+02:00

I watched the stars, thinking of you
I kissed him, as if he were you
All the little flickering lights in the sky
Frowned upon me, suddenly,
and the beauty of the night was through...

Poisonous words he has, poisonous lips
A perfect picture of everything I despise
Is beauty alone capable of invoking such weakness
Or am I still just a fool,
slave to ancient instincts?

What has to be done, has to be done!
I have to pick up the scattered pieces
of my broken pride, one by one,
Put them all together, swear an oath,
And finally seal it all with my blood.
Let this be the last promise I broke,
This story survived more than it is worth
Let this be the last verse about it I write...

Just for it to know

2006-11-14T20:17:00.000+02:00

I hate the world today...

solitude is not for me

2006-10-31T17:28:00.000+02:00

Your absence confuses me

I feel lost in a world I'm not used to

Every little problem wears a huge mask

I ran out of solutions, motivations and dreams

Even the city lost its sparkle

It's like there is nothing outside my window

I'm already bored with all kinds of entertainment

I invented, just to distract myself

Did stupid things, gave wrong impressions

Told lies, gave away secrets

And regretted them all afterwards

In the end nothing remained

I'm just numb now, daydreaming

When I'm not sleeping, which I do a lot

Everything I once longed for seem meaningless

Everything I once desired is just a handful of sand now

Even the beauty or kindness of strangers

Do nothing more than annoy me, slightly

This is sick, I know, just I can't help it anymore

This waiting around is going to kill me

Eating its way inside, transforming me to an empty cocoon

You won't find me the same as you left, I'm afraid...

fading affection

2006-10-17T22:29:00.000+03:00

I don't know what to do
I'm not sure what to think about you
Maybe you are just a child
Immature, selfish, unkind
Terrified of getting hurt,
always on the guard...
Or maybe you just like to pretend
As if you are so amazed by yourself
But I can see all the nasty insecurity
Showing through your bitter irony.
Whatever, I'm at the end of my patience
No more soft words, no encouraging
It's no fun and you're spoilt anyway
Do something to win my heart back
Or get lost, I don't care anymore...

Strange Feelings

2006-10-14T23:18:00.000+03:00

Jealousy creeps in like a snake
Bites here and there, spreading its poison
Not enough to kill me, yet it hurts like hell
I watch you laugh, I watch you talk
And pain strikes its roots inside me

Sweet and kind, as you always are
And as attractive as no other can ever be
They must be enchanted, I'm sure
Trying to get closer, like moths to a flame
I wish I could burn them all
By screaming that you are mine
You are mine, mine and mine only
But the ocean takes my voice away

Jealousy leaves a bitter taste in my mouth
Unshed tears cultivate new suspicions
Untold words shatter my reason
Loneliness make phantoms come alive
I'm not used to feel like this,
I can't pretend no more...
Just for you to know,
nothing is well around here anymore.

pretending to be blind

2006-10-08T02:07:00.000+03:00

I never felt so foolish before
It was so obvious that we weren't
just what we meant to be, but something else
Something weird, nameless
I looked into your eyes
I spoke your name, again and again
And the whole world seem to be
coming apart
A private hell, so hard to be calmed.
Yet tomorrow is a brand new day
So now take a deep breath,
and blow my pain away...

paralyzed

2006-09-19T10:36:00.000+03:00

A feeling of being lost haunts my days
I don't recognize the places I've been many times before
Faces I see everyday slip away from my memory
I find it hard to accomplish even the simplest of tasks
Like I don't remember how to do them anymore...
It's an amnesia of the weird sort
I alienate myself to everything,
just not to obsess about your absence
But it remains the only reality in the end...

a lesson learned

2006-09-19T10:05:00.000+03:00

He was just like a sickness
Requiring bitter medicine to cure.
I took my pills of pain and anger,
Wrapped myself in thick blankets of

posed indifference,

And went on seeing him as normal,

for vaccination.

I must have been very weak in the first place

to catch him like a nasty cold.

And very stupid indeed,

to allow him to take control.

But he never saw me suffering,
not a single complaint did anyone hear.
So now I am cured,

and this is

a lesson learned...

summer blues (2)

2006-08-30T00:09:00.000+03:00

It's midnight,
A violent summer outside

humid, hot...

We would lie in my single bed
Naked, just hand in hand
Complaining about the weather
Talking about taking another shower

happy inside...

I'll sleep on the couch tonight
If I can find any sleep at all
Or most probably,
I'll close my eyes and dream of you again
Trying not to think about
How impossible-to-reach you are...

It's midnight,
An eerie summer outside,

bluest melancholy inside...

note that

2006-08-26T12:40:00.000+03:00

just to clear any possible misunderstandings

Sometimes, yes, all of a sudden
I find myself thinking about

your lips

How they were, how they tasted
But it's just the aftermath of a story
Which I tried very hard to forget
Everything happened long ago
Actually you are him and he is you
The same posed arrogance
The same exceptional beauty...
Anyway, well, it's just a thought
Not a desire anymore
Just wondering what if... and so on
For my own entertainment only
So, for an answer,

'no' is all you'll get...

people around me

2006-08-26T11:54:00.000+03:00

someone is judging me based on what I write
someone thinks I am easy to manipulate
someone doesn't accept 'no' for an answer
someone broke my heart and doesn't know it
someone gives me the chance to revenge
someone tries to cheer me up, in vain
someone hopes I won't cause any trouble
someone thinks a bit too highly of himself
-but noone can do anything about the fact that-
someone went away...

questionable content

2006-07-03T23:37:00.000+03:00

You were so beautiful last night
I just stood there, watching you
Admiring your face, admiring your naked body
Your long eyelashes shadowing your cheeks
Your lips, inspiring countless kisses
The wideness of your shoulders,
Or your perfect neck, calling out for my lips...
The smooth hair on your chest,
so inviting for my hand.
Oh, how narrow was your waist
Just above the carefully placed sheet
Revealing only so much
enough to make me burn inside
And your legs, long and strong...

I watched you and dreamt a thousand dreams
But didn't dare to wake you up
Just wanted to hold my breath
And make this moment last forever
So I wouldn't have to think
How terribly I'm going to miss you
next year...

of appearance and reality...

2006-06-22T21:19:00.000+03:00

I feel like having lost a sweet dream
And a nice thought to play with
Just another arrogant bastard he proved to be
Just a bad patchwork of cliches
Hidden under a thin cape of
short-range intelligence and imperfect beauty.
Curiosity kills the cat,
Oh why and why on earth can't I just stop
Before spoiling pleasant memories?

Summer Blues

2006-06-20T12:02:00.000+03:00

The sun is shining like crazy
The heat is getting on my nerves
Everything I touch feels sticky
I need some fresh air to organize my feelings

Guide me to the sea side, love
Let me die in your arms of waves
And be born again from an oyster shell
Calm my anxiousness down, help me grow
So I can survive the time when you will be far away...

Twisting the knife (2)

2006-06-14T12:38:00.000+03:00

I decided to put an end to this
Forget about all that pain you caused
And all the confusion it brings
I finally realized that continuing that way
Wouldn't get me neither revenge nor relief
Because seeing you again was
twisting the knife...

It was all nice and sweet
When you were out-of-reach like a star
Like the wind that caressed my hair
But impossible to touch or hold
Like the view of the sun going down
Painfully beautiful but just to be watched
So trying to feel you was
twisting the knife...

A kiss was taking the knife away
Holding your hand made me forget
That the left wound was bleeding all over
And the next day I was already too exhausted
To be able to think or reason
So I asked the dagger back
But now that my mind is pretty clear
I realize that my heart is already healed
And talking to you again would be
twisting the knife...

One of those men you are,
"Stay Away" written all over your presence
With big bold letters
But your beauty blurred it all
Made me act irresponsible, stupid
The story ends here, no more words to write
Anyway, thinking what would happen if... is
twisting the knife...

Twisting the knife

2006-05-09T10:35:00.000+03:00

There is a dagger in my chest
Taste of blood in my mouth
I cannot feel, I cannot fall asleep
I'm just a shadow of what I've been
And thinking about you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

I dream of you when alone
Imagining every detail of your face
I could get down on my knees
And beg just for a little kiss
If it wasn't for my pride
And looking at you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

This desire is so intense, it almost comes to life
Blurring my vision, turning me into a walking flame
You cease to be an ordinary man
Become the incarnation of beauty itself
And you are now more out-of-reach than before
And talking to you is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were so right...

You were so right, about what you told me that night
It would be like water to the fire
Or maybe causing more damage than mere pain
But I think I'll still try again
Waiting for a more suitable time
Because even trying not to think is

twisting the knife

And oh, you were maybe not so right...

Words on words

2006-04-27T09:34:00.000+03:00

You have to walk a lonesome desert
You have to walk it all alone
There is no one to walk it for you

My words, drunken butterflies in the wind
My castles made of snow, melting away
In a world seemingly too good to be true
Searching for trouble all the way through

My dreams, with huge wings and countless colors
- Up to the clouds, up to the sun -
Where I am going to, what is what I want?
Why am I still such a stupid child?

My words, always looking for a place to hide
I fear your fury, I fear your sadness
I fear like hell, losing you on the way
But this crazy mind of mine,
Always on the thin line....

My words, looking for a way

for a damn crack or a forgotten pass

here or there

My fears, my dreams, my sorrows, my passions
All in one, one in all
Like a million snowflakes, adding to the avalanche
Like a million seagulls, aimlessly - arrow-like

Let me stop right where you are
let me settle down, at least for a while...

Writing to forget

2006-04-24T21:43:00.000+03:00

It's hard to describe this feeling
This indecision, this ever changing state of mind
One moment I feel so strong, so indifferent
That I could just do anything
A few hours pass then, and I change again
I feel hurt, my pride's on the ground
And all I can do is escaping to sleep

Why can't we speak more openly?
Why wouldn't you tell me what you think of me?
Just a pretty face from around,
Or a girl to fall in love with

if things were different,

Or, most probably, a mistake not to be spoken of?

I don't even know why I want to know
Since it probably won't change anything at all...

I wish

2006-04-21T23:32:00.000+03:00

I wish I was a fallen leaf, entangled somewhere in your hair
I wish I was the ocean breeze, caressing you tender
I wish I could fall asleep in your arms every night
And see you still by my side with the morning light...

I wish I could get so drunk
that I sober up from the real life
And get loose from all the chains coming with it.
I wish there was you and me and no one else
Because I'm too tired, I can't fight anymore...

What next

2006-04-20T19:43:00.000+03:00

about how easy it is,

to create an illusion and then
end up believing in it...

Stay still, for a moment
Let me watch you, through and through
You are like a reflection of the misty

evening sky

You are like a moment of silence,

in the morning rush

Looking at you is finding a long lost piece

of the ancient puzzle

And also encountering a memory
and realizing that it doesn't hurt

anymore...

Let me feel you, with my fingertips
Like a blind one,

going through all your skin

Like sailing to the ocean,

leaving the compass behind

Like shutting up my conscience,

screaming inside

Let me believe, for just a little while
That this is not the real world
And we won't be getting on

with the daily routine

for the rest of our lives...

Confusing Eyes

2006-04-16T21:10:00.000+03:00

All the distant sunsets in your eyes
All the forgotten lands
And their heroes, dead and buried
In your eyes, the sound of the waves
from silent nights with a full moon
Something ancient, yet struggling to be remembered
Something not yet born, but long prophesied
It's like I have known you all my life
And all the previous ones I had (if any)
It's like I didn't even meet you yet
A stranger of infinite beauty
But still so close, that no man ever could be
Oh, those eyes, with so many things to tell/hide
Do I have to get that confused
Every time you look at me?

Alone in the dark

2006-02-25T01:09:00.000+02:00

Feeling alone
Is like feeling the sun go down
without a glorious sunset, and just rainclouds around
Feeling alone
Is like watching a river drying out slow
Words commit suicide in my mouth
A wall of silence grows between me and the crowd
Between me and you...
Feeling alone
Finding no daisies to consult
A house to dark to stay inside
A weather too cold to go out
Redecorating my room a thousand times
Restyling my hair even more than that
Inventing stupid excuses to stay in bed
All in vain in the end
Feeling alone...

In the moonlight

2006-02-22T19:56:00.000+02:00

Secretly I long for you,
Like longing for a lost toy
from a far away childhood.
Secretly I dream of you,
Like I dream of fairy princes
And sorcerers of all sort.
But then day becomes night
And inside comes the moonlight,
Destroying all things innocent,
All things sweet and kind.
And I feel the burning desire
Almost coming to flesh and blood.
Do I always have to make love
to your ghost instead of you every night?

Post-Mortem

2006-02-10T10:43:00.000+02:00

How difficult it is, to explain oneself
and how much it hurts...
Imagination is a gift, so are words
putting them one after the other
creating entirely different worlds
Worlds where I am the protagonist
where only my feelings matter
Trying to draw borders to pain
trying to see hope, even if there is none
trying to put it all into a poem
and sealing it close for an eternity
Mocking life, feeling strong,
Cursing life, feeling weak
Like an ancient God with great power
the power of verse, that's what it is
And you are invited to witness
see the reflections of your own dreams
But why and why on earth
this longing for autopsy, this twisted lust for explanations?

a brief encounter

2006-01-27T19:40:00.000+02:00

Little words, like little butterflies
like the morning breeze, soft and gentle
Little words, trying to reach you
trying to make you think of me
Little words, meaning nothing
so little that remain unnoticed
It was all just a little dream,
with little words I want to rebuild.

Little words, coming together
making lines, one after the other
Little words trying to say big things
trying in vain, managing nothing
So little, so easy to forget
so brave, but still afraid
It was all just a little runaway,
not reaching too far from your lips.

Little little words that I want to write
just once and not anymore
Little little poem, at the edge of nonsense
Life goes on as nothing has happened
your eyes still so blue...
I remember you as you hold the glass of wine
talking about the past
Maybe one day you'll tell that night to another
with the same little words as mine...

February 8, 2004

what the rain washes clean

2006-01-08T21:55:00.000+02:00

What an annoying rain, gutless to turn to a storm,
but nasty enough to continue
I'm sitting here inside without the tiniest bit of
motivation to keep things going
I feel like trashing all, burn everything to ground
and start all over again
I feel like going to sleep and not waking up for an eternity
Too freaked out to face the true nature of my dreams
Too bold to just forget everything and go on as normal
Liquid fire in my veins, screaming flames under my skin
Tormented by the ghosts of the past,
ghosts of alternative futures...

Where are my evil seagulls, filling the horizon
with their never-ending calls?
Where are my messages in bottles,
sinking and rising beneath the ocean waves?
And what can I do about the temptation
caused by the alluring thickness of your lips?
What a set mind, oh almighty Lord of Passion,
is there no way to escape your wrath?
What a disturbing thought that we are
not brought any further by so long an evolution!

With a huge pointy hat on my head,
I am desperately looking for a perfect mixture,
Stirring the pot with such a force,
adding some carefully placed lies and teardrops
Spinning my web further and further,
losing track of the flies I forgot struggling around
Becoming one of them in my own mess of a head in the end...
I'm pretty much fucked up, you can tell, longing for a change
Everything ends up boring me to death,
every promising wing turns into an iron bar
Reinforcing my prison, stealing my breath
I have to dig deeper, I have to go further, I have to persist
Till I can get even with my dreams,
and finally have some peace of mind
And only then the rain will be truly over, for once and for all...

January 7, 2006

Turbulent Waters

2006-01-08T21:46:00.000+02:00

I am in deep trouble, oh yes, I am
I thought about it again and again
And there's no way out I'm afraid...

This feeling when I see the sun
Reflecting from the corner of your lips
This feeling when I hear the tune
Hidden in the depths of your smile
This feeling when I touch the wind
Bold enough to caress your hair

I am in deep trouble, oh yes, I am
No chance to run away from it
And it'll get worse and worse I'm afraid...

December 29, 2005

Longing for Illusions

2006-01-08T21:45:00.000+02:00

My confusion grows with time
I'm neither healed nor calmed down
Thunderbolts and hurricanes in my head
I don't know what I should do next

It must be something about your smile
Or the perfect shape of your lips, perhaps
And the distances and loneliness
It all adds up, you know

I'm feeling miserable, yet kind of excited
Holding on a dream like there's no tomorrow
Always in a hurry, yet doing almost nothing
Mostly trying to escape from my own thoughts

You know I can stand still for hours thinking
About every single vein visible under your skin
I can go on trying to make you laugh, for ages
I'm even capable of writing infinite lines
Always insufficient to describe the beauty of yours

But what makes me so frustrated, my dearest
That not even one of the countless things I'm capable
Are any good against your "out-of-reach"ness...

December 10, 2005

infidelity of feline kind

2006-01-08T21:38:00.000+02:00

Today, I felt like writing a little poem

For you-know-who
So I sat down and took a deep breath
And waited for that feeling to pass
Then I quoted from Neil instead
And saved a lot of trouble by doing so...

November 18, 2005

"There are only two worlds-your world, which is the real world, and other worlds, the fantasy. Worlds like this are worlds of the human imagination: their reality, or lack of reality, is not important. What is important is that they are there. These worlds provide an alternative. Provide an escape. Provide a threat. Provide a dream, and power; provide refuge, and pain. They give your world meaning. They do not exist; and thus they are all that matters. Do you understand?"

Titania, the Queen of Faerie

obsessed and confused

2006-01-08T08:42:00.001+02:00

- Obsessed with beauty and confused by its side effects -

What does a poem mean?
but some hidden wishes and confessions
It's a message in a bottle, thrown to the ocean
It's a letter in the sand, afraid of the smallest wind
It's nonsense, illogical, worthless...
nevertheless...only sometimes...it works

Looking at you, so close, still very far
seeing patterns formed by the veins of your arms
dreaming impossible dreams
as I used to do, many changes ago
Your face carries me to the past
to a half-forgotten silhouette
dishonored by today’s reflections...

Was I comparing your beauty to a drop of tear's?
Did I mention that you were as attractive as a shiny blade

on the newly smitten knife?

- Don't get me wrong, it's neither out of love nor affection

Not even attempting a request, no, I wouldn't dare to
I'm just pointing to a well-known fact so far
Let this be it and go on with our lives, my dear
And accept my humble apologies for intruding your intimacy
Making you wonder what this is all about
I suspect I did (or will) even cause some disappointments
Twisting your so well-proved formulae about life, universe and everything -

Was I talking about your grace there and everywhere?
Did I already make up some tailored stories to underline your sparkle?
I'm afraid I was.I'm afraid I did.

- The End -

October 30, 2005

Murderous intentions

2006-01-08T08:40:00.000+02:00

How beautiful can a nose be?
Standing alone, without those lovely lips underneath
I've got nothing against eyes, though
Dreamy as can be...
What a perfect harmony, the face of yours, I mean...
Attached to a mirror, I bet you spend your time,
When you don't torture the world with its "out of reach"ness
Nailed to a pictureframe, that's where you ought to be
And not walking around, like normal people
Funny thoughts invade my head then
Thoughts very out of place
Disturbing my everyday existence, in a rather violent way
And I'm sure as hell that I'm not the only one, either
We should sort it out, my dear, for once and forever...

October 24, 2005

Break the glass in case of emergency

2006-01-08T08:37:00.000+02:00

I see you, silent and distant
Like the sight of a sea in the mist
Your big, beautiful eyes, half closed
As they always are, when you're asleep
Your hands like falling leaves in the autumn wind
covered by the scars
where life tries to manifest itself in some way
or what you really feel about it
Is it really you I'm missing so badly
or am I just longing for the past
when the blossoms were young and bright
Another lonely night
I am lying, awake, with strange tears on my pillow
with strange thoughts on my mind
Feelings of regret surround me
Feeling incredibly stupid, incredibly weak
I don't give a damn what they might think
I don't care if no one understands
But I know one thing, my love,
which is that I need you, desperately,
even for being able to breathe...

"Is this an emergency, my dear, or what do you think?"

October 03, 2005

The Wishing Well

2006-01-08T08:34:00.000+02:00

Look for me deep inside the wishing well
Look for a coin, bright as hell
Look for my dead body
Look for me, at last, free

The well is deep, ancient, dark
The well is all that I've got
Counting worthless coins
And all the scars they caused

Throw your coin, speak your wish
Staying, blind to my pain
Beside the wishing well
But I won't find any peace at all
Unless someone wishes ME well

September 27, 2005

prayer before sleep

2006-01-08T08:24:00.000+02:00

he said I was evil
"yes" I said, "and you are lucky"
but that was some time ago
I warned him, you know
trying to explain the rules
that's the nature of the game
it's a wicked one, but who cares
seeking pleasure like in babylon
playing with poisonous snakes
who can blame me, if he gets bitten

he was happy that I was evil
but such things are easy to change
you never know with men
better always on the guard than a broken heart
sometimes I feel manipulated
blessed with a playful joker instead of soul
infested with too many ancient instincts
too many ancient gods
trying to be heard, using my voice

still asking for a meaning, aren't you?
there is none but one
and you won't be happy to find it
"reproduce!" said the voice and left us all alone
or was I daydreaming again
isn't that such a rare jewel
the eyes you're used to carry around?
i mean nothing, these are just words
coming to me, when I'm alone at dark
that's why I don't like
you to be far away at night...

(mistress of broken toys)

September 09, 2005

life is unfair

2006-01-08T08:03:00.000+02:00

Leaving messages in bottles into the ocean,
As we use to do when we were children
Hoping someone sees them, just in case
Hoping he’ll think of me a bit more than “just occasionally”.
Never knowing what is what I want,
And getting bored to death…
Life is unfair, my dear.

No words, nothing to say anymore
No conversation, just yawning
Watching your glass always half full
“Finish it or I’ll die” I’m going to scream
Or just snatch it and break it into a million pieces
Holding too much on twisted nerves…
Life is nothing but what we do out of it, my dear.

August 16, 2005